DIS week: The Day Before Yesterday
#YeezyBoughtMe: Happy day after boxing day! What did you get for Christmas? Doesn’t matter because your name isn’t Kim Kardashian and you didn’t get this #OneofOne #HandPaintedGeorgeCondo #HermesBirkin #ChristmasPresentFromYeezy, so you can go ahead and sit back down in the irrelevant corner.
A Christmas Moment: One of the best things that ever happened to the holiday season is undoubtedly Mariah ‘Queen of Christmas’ Carey, so I find it necessary to devote a ~moment~ of DIS week to checking in on our favorite Glitter (#regrets2001) Diva. So, what did Mariah do this week? She took her dog on a walk in a bikini because why wouldn’t she. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what life on the other side looks like.
Wiintaa Braaaaaake: James Franco is spending this holiday season with his family – more specifically, with his grandmother, or so his Instagram hints. While I’m sure some of you think this is cute (hint: THATS WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO THINK), I think it’s sad how he’s still trying to push publicity for that movie where he pretends to be Riff Raff.
And as if that wasn’t enough, Franco wrote an article in the New York Times yesterday about selfies, in which he referred to himself as ‘The Selfie King’. Problem #1: We all know that @mrpimpgoodgame is the Selfie King, so that a lie. Problem #2: No shoutout to #artselfie, Franco? Really? Last but not least, a quote for Problem #3:
I am actually turned off when I look at an account and don’t see any selfies, because I want to know whom I’m dealing with. In our age of social networking, the selfie is the new way to look someone right in the eye and say, “Hello, this is me.”
James Franco is writing NYT articles, and meanwhile, I’m still unemployed soooo…
Your Post-Holiday Gift Guide: Still looking for the perfect gift to give your co-workers/estranged cousins/crazy in-laws? Look no further than right here! We’ve scoured Sky Mall to find you the perfect gifts for those people you don’t care about but-for-this-one-week-in-the-year-‘have’-to-get-along-with (notice the italics and quotation marks around ‘have’).
For the boss: The One of a Kind Shirt for a One of a Kind guy (or should I say #oneofone)
For the woman in your office named ‘Pam’: VIA Hand Exerciser, so she doesn’t sue you in 10 years for carpal tunnel damages
For the guy who got too loud about how bad The Hobbit was: A Genuine Irish Shillelaugh – $60?! HA. NEVERMIND.
For the stoner cousin: The Illumicube – It’s a cube that lights up in different bright colors. I don’t know what better a gift there could be.
For the creepy co-worker with the not-so-secret fetish: The Sheng Kwong Metal Gong – “the perfect addition to any Asian Art collection”.
For the bratty nieces & nephews: Pickle/Salad/Cupcake Floss. So I literally just threw up but maybe that’s the point??
For the 45-year old post-bro/The guy who doesn’t celebrate Christmas: An Adam Sandler autograph – Oh how the mighty have fallen
Out Of This WORLD: In space news, an inflatable sex doll affectionately named ‘Missy’ was sent into the stratosphere for the sake of science and the pursuit of knowledge. Missy, however, isn’t the first sex toy to be sent into the great unknown…
The End Is Here: You may have thought your Christmas holiday in the suburbs was terrible, but unless your name is Justine Sacco, you really have nothing to complain about. I know this is ‘old news’, but can we all just sit back and take a minute and just appreciate how in 12 hours a relative nobody became the most hated woman on the planet? If this isn’t terrifying enough of a future for you, then I can’t wait to see what you think of 2014.
Oh and Red Lobster is going out of business, so say goodbye forever from that little slice of heaven known as the Cheddar Bay Biscuit.
Somewhere in the alternate reality in which both God and Santa exist, they are laughing at us, and simultaneously wondering how we’ve all managed to make it this far. See you in 2014!