Daddy Issues

“Voters pick the candidate who they most want to have a beer with.”

– Anonymous

That statement, oft-repeated in politics, is all wrong.

Prissy nanny/billionaire Mike Bloomberg defeated offbeat “poor slob” Bill Thompson for New York City Mayor in 2009. Bloomberg was not the beer candidate. The only beer he’s ever consumed is De Beers and it was a 600-carat princess cut shiner he accidentally swallowed while counting his money.

Barack Obama and Mitt Romney aren’t going to win any elections for their pub prowess either.

Mormon-bot doesn’t even drink—and Barack only wipes that smug veneer off his face when he’s at a luau in Kamehameha. Bill and Hillary? Sure, who wouldn’t want to drink with them? Bill is a down home Southern-fried philanderer and Hillary downs Cuervo in Cartagena.

“FLOTUS doesn’t have a vagina.” – Leilah Weinraub

But Barack and Michelle? Too plucked, pulled, and Photoshopped. FLOTUS may have brought sexy back to the capital, but she’s definitely not having a Nathanson Creek white zin cooler with you, let alone a PBR and shot of Jameson.

It’s not about beer. Voters want daddy.

Voters want someone who is going to take care of them. Who is going to make them feel safe. Who is going to come home at 7 or possibly 10:30 after “working late” and swig from the bottle of parental neglect. This is why men and women win elections.

It’s why Bloomberg won. And it’s why Mitt Romney could win in November.

What the concept of the ale contest gets right is that policies don’t make the (wo)man. Our general election will be a personality contest, and whoever wins Miss Congeniality will be armed and dangerous.

SCENARIO 1: Mitt Romney wins.

Prevailing logic of voters in swing states:

Gay Barack

a) Barack Obama is an effete (read: faggot) urbane, Harvard-Chicago-Greenwich Village-San Francisco intellectual who is in over his head, weak and ineffectual.

b) Romney is my new daddy. He’s a dependable Don Draper with a strong jawline, and I want to sit in his lap. Even if he’s ignoring me. Even if he’s raising my taxes. Even if what beats underneath his billion dollar exo-sheath is nothing more than the hum of Intel circuitry. He’s wealthy. He must know what he’s doing.

SCENARIO 2: Barack Obama is re-elected.

Prevailing logic of voters in swing states:

a) Mitt Romney is a creepy Mormon robot.

Obama family

b) Barack Obama already is my dad. He’s been my dad for four years. His wife and kids (are they my sisters?) are impeccably styled. His painfully measured cadence elicits a Pavlovian scream from me everytime he appears on TV: “Fine! I’ll go finish my homework before I watch Dance Moms!”

And despite what a series of obsessive graphs on might suggest, if Scenario 1 comes true and Bam loses, it will NOT be because Angela Merkel didn’t squeeze enough precious milk out of her German tit into the open mouths of the Greeks.

Policy is dead. Personality is king. This election will be a battle of dads.

Why? Because everyone has daddy issues—not just Michael Jackson and Gwyneth Paltrow. You have daddy issues. Maybe your dad was absent. Maybe he abused you. Maybe he was wonderful and always there for you and supportive of your dreams and now you want to fuck him.

You want daddy. Even (especially?) if it’s a lady. So when you get in that voting booth, don’t be surprised if you try to play catch with the lever then leave crying after a poll worker tells you it’s your fault that mom left.

Recent Posts

A Conversation about Ergonomic Futures

Lafayette Anticipation associate curator Anna Colin talks to artist Tyler Coburn about Ergonomic Futures, a speculative project engaged with art, design, science, anthropology and writing. In this interview, Coburn discusses the research, production process and network of collaborators of a multilayered project ultimately concerned with the futures of humankind. Anna Colin: When one comes across your museum seats Ergonomic Futures (2016—) in contemporary art exhibitions—and soon in natural history, fine art, and anthropology museums—they look… [read more »]

nils lange + saliva : l’eau des algues

L’Eau des Algues Two alchemists already aware of each other’s Instagrams meet for the first time in a gay sauna. They are swimming; it’s the Hood By Air afterparty in Paris. They are Lukas Hofmann and Nils Amadeus Lange. Months later, they meet again. They are on the edge of yet another steaming pool; it’s the Manifesta Biennale closing event at Cabaret Voltaire. They are performing the perfume titled “L’eau des Algues.” Head notes: Zürich… [read more »]

Toward a Low Key Voting System Where Votes Are Actually Considered | Adrian Massey

While reading A Very Short Introduction to Game Theory, I came across the following passage, “If you want people to vote, we need to move to a more decentralized system in which every vote really does count enough to outweigh the lack of enthusiasm for voting which so many people obviously feel…Simply repeating the slogan that ‘every vote counts’ isn’t ever going to work, because it isn’t true.” I was jarred. For me, anecdotally knowing… [read more »]

Tough Luck | Tyler Reinhard

When life is being super unfair, just do what we all do: suffer the consequences. I wake up and the first thing I do is check my phone. A convenient euphemism for using Facebook’s machine learning techniques to discover which 300 entries are statistically most likely to stand out from the tens of thousands of brain dumps my friends and family have produced over the last 48 hours. Impressed by what Facebook provides, I think… [read more »]

America Is Hard to See: A Guide to not being depressed about US electoral politics this November

In order to make sense of state politics in the birthplace of statistical marketing and the internet, one has to be wary of the effects of these technologies on the country’s popular media. In a time when our news and advertisements are tailored to our pre-recorded political opinions, it can be especially difficult to empathize with differing political views. Likewise, learning about the histories of state politics is not encouraged by platforms that profit from… [read more »]

On self-care and the election | Eva Saelens

We can get together and laugh about it. We can heave sighs and express disbelief, but it’s never enough. This presidential election year has lasted for years, and they sit on citizens like a slick film. We feel touched by an unshakable germ, invaded by a blood-sucker, afflicted by a social cancer, drained of the plump vitality of life and the amazing liberty of choices, and transformed into a cynical, depressed shrivel. After being touched… [read more »]

Swarovski Crystal Meth at National Sawdust

Swarovski Crystal Meth, a collaboration between Ser Serpas, Daniela Czenstochowski and Gia Garrison for the National Sawdust “Selkie Series” performances, curated by Alexandra Marzella. Music composed and produced by Daniela Czenstochowski Poem by Sera Serpas Sound Edit Mateo Majluf Vocals Sera Serpas, Gia Garrison and Daniela Czenstochowski All Images Olimpia Dior i went to the desert con mi mama outlet store shopping is fried onto mi conciensa, big bags, wins bigger losses fragmented lux economy… [read more »]

Hasbeens and Willbees Auction @ Romeo Gallery

Shop items from the most recent Hasbeens and Willbees luxury auction now! Featuring Bjarne Melgaard, Bror August, Women’s History Museum, Lou Dallas, Hermes, Gautier, and more. All photography Dillon Sachs Styling Avena Gallagher Hosted by Rome Gallery NYC


What is a piece of clothing that “works”? Who is working whom? Is the one who poses the one who actually “works” hardest? The S/S 2017 collection of Berlin-based, Swedish- Vietnamese designer NHU DUONG entitled ‘WORK COLLECTION’ plays with the ideas of professionalism, leisure and appropriateness through a range of garments that are inspired by work outfits and hobby uniforms. Overalls, raw denim outfits, kung-fu pyjamas, biker pants, baggy tights and gloves, bomber-jackets, bomber suits,… [read more »]

Preparing to Welcome the Chthulucene | Agustina Zegers

Preparing to Welcome the Chthulucene is a text made up of living exercises to accompany Haraway’s theorization of the Chthulucene and her upcoming book Staying With the Trouble: Making Kin in the Chthulucene. Haraway posits that not only should we name the Anthropocene carefully (including the terms Capitalocene and Plantationocene within its narrative) but that we should also be using this crucial ecological timeframe to move towards a dynamically multi-species, “sym-chtonic“, sym-poietic future: the Chthulucene.… [read more »]