Akeem’s Top Ten Reality Moments!

10. Beverly Hills Fabulous

Salon owner Elgin Charles and his “fabalous” staff was short lived on VH1. The ratings sucked so bad it was canceled 3 quarters into the season. The type-casted cast of “the fat girl,” “the wet-blanket,” and “the self absorbed gay” was similar to a Dexter’s Laboratory conjuction, doomed to fail since it aired. Charles, ex-husband of actress/fag-hag Jackee Harry, embarrassingly broadcast his mediocre hairdos and bragged about his Z list celebrity clients who ranged from E news reporters to 80’s sitcom has-beens. Mid-season the show tried to analyze that weird relationship between older gay men and younger gay men in the work place.

In episode 5, a few well dressed drag queens introduced themselves to the camera. Sean, an employee of Elgin Charles Salon replied with a snide remark and the fireworks started from there. Flip Flops were flung off, home-made shanks were waved in the air, and tasers were pulled out. It was a prime example of fagotry, gay wit and egoism. Being a frequent flyer in the hair department, the show didn’t quite capture what it was like to be in an African-American operated salon, or anything “Fabalous.”

9. Phaedra

Phaedra Parks! We were introduced to the lovely Phaedra Parks this year on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. This attorney at law is married to an ex-con, carries around a prayer cloth*, represents strippers who can orally pleasure themselves, thinks pickles are an aphrodisiac, is currently developing her own funeral home, and is a self proclaimed “Southern Belle.” Sounds like my kinda girl.

*A prayer cloth is an mini towel usually made out of linen used by women in church to hide a specific part of their body from lustful eyes.

8. Kevin Lee

Kevin Lee has been making his rounds around the reality tv circuit. This wedding planner/celebrity florist guest stars on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and is a permanent cast member of TLC’s Beverly Hills Wedding. His voice is the opening for the show, screaming “FABALOUS” in his lazy gaysian accent over a light piano tune. Lee’s cast as the flambouyant dandy with excellent taste who convinces fat housewives they look spectacular in over priced wedding gowns. He gets my vote for best HAIR, and I’m praying a spin off is in the works, I most definetly will be tuning in.

7. Victoria Jackson

“Two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit not an ‘alternate lifestyle’! There I said it!”

Victoria Jackson co-stars along with 3 other women on a web-series called Politichicks—ughh I know right! The women discuss current events and religion and other shit like that. Jackson says they are “the new voice of conservatism,” and co host Ann-Marie Murrell claimed “You guys (liberals) own the dialougue, you own the networks, We have FOX NEWS and some talk radios.”

Its sort of refreshing to watch these women talk about politics, even though their views are passé, and they use some book called the Bible to bully people and criticize their lifestyles. Jackson has openly voiced her hatred for muslims and people that are pro Obama. She attacks establishments that encourage homosexual behavior. She ranted on her blog about the producers of Glee, because they aired an episode with two males kissing. On a lighter note, I love how Mrs. Jackson is using online media to broaden her career as a journalist, she is clearly the voice of many Americans. Also gets the award for BEST Website and Best Bios.

6. Kim Kardashian Wedding

On the CW11 show H8R, it’s like you finally get to see the people who write horrible comments on blogs, forums and yelp. On this episode Deena, an African American women in her mid thirties, accuses Kim Kardashian of taking away “her men,” and claims Kim gets African women body enhancements to somehow usurp a black concept of beauty. H8R Deena has far too much time on her hands, but I love the concept of this show, and hope more celebs are as brave as Kim K to embrace their verbal attackers.

5. Bai-Ling on Celebrity ReHab

An official DIS icon, Bai Ling (or Ling Bai), was battling her alcohol addiction on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab this year. Bi-Bai is hands down the best dressed star to ever grace this series. On episode 5—decked in metallic sequined Uggs, a plum colored robe, and medical frames—Bai Ling climbed and crawled on the roof of the rehab clinic playing hide n go seek with clinic staff and camera operators, all because she refused to take her meds.

The whole ordeal gave birth to her GENIUS hit “REHAB,” a bi-lingual single that is a blend between english and chinese. It hasn’t gotten much play, but I pray we’ll hear it out at the clubs soon! Bai Ling gets BADDEST BITCH award of 2011

“I”m still gonna dance day and night with my sober friends”

4 Toddlers & Tiaras

On Toddlers & Tiaras, 3 year old contestant Paisley swaggered on stage wearing a low cut mini dress, a blond Bob wig and vinyl thigh high boots. It was her rendition of Julia Roberts’ Pretty Woman hooker-stroll look. The audience facial expressions were priceless. Paisley smiled, looking more confident in her hooker gear than all the other pageant girls put together. The blogs and forums blew up the next day, turning Paisley into a household name. Sadly this is the best thing to happen in U.S. PAGEANTRY since JonBenet Ramsey. We look forward to see what Ms. Paisley and mom are going to come with next season.

3. Celebrity Apprentice

The casting director for Celebrity apprentice deserves a bonus. Hands down best casting of 2011. And although the season had one liners to last a lifetime Latoya Jackson’s wardrobe was usually the highlight of the night. America got familiar with a new side of Dionne Warwick, not the weed smuggling in a lipstick case songstress that we all love, but the bitchy, lazy, sassy one we grew to love. Her sassy remark to ex super model Niki Taylor, “I got your number hussy,” took on a life of it own—as if it was managed by Kris Jenner. It was on coffee mugs, t-shirts, tunics, the works.

Strategic Star Jones played her role as the intelligent black woman all too well. Gary Busey kept flashing his penis on camera. Nene Leakes was the firecracker, calling my dear La Toya “Casper,” and telling Star to “bring her hood game.” She obviously wasn’t paying attention to the anti bullying campaign of 2011. I can go on and on about the show, but throughout all the corny concepts, cat fights, charities, and candid moments, this season goes down in reality show history.

P.S. I think all the other contestants are really stupid for letting a woman who cant speak, with a gay translator, win the competition… ugh incompetents.

2. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

A week or two before the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season premiered, the most full-lipped cast member Taylor Armstrong’s husband Russell was found dead, hanging on a pipe at friend’s house. Rumors of him having a gay love affair with a colleague, financial crisis and domestic abuse were paraded through the tabloids.

In episode 11, Camille Grammer spoke out about the alleged abuse, “we don’t say that he hits you, or that he broke your jaw.” The affirmation of a Beverly Hills beatdown made Taylor look very relatable, no matter what zip code or tax bracket you’re in, the chances of dodging a punch are still the same. Taylors tears seemed far from sincere and I couldnt help but look at that quivering top lip. Of course at the end of the episode there was one of those corny messages “if you know a friend…” blah blah blah… with a help hotline number.

1. Mob Wives

Vh1 Series Premiere MOB WIVES was my favorite show of 2011. It showed middle-aged former mob princesses “struggle” with the backlash of being connected to the mob. Throughout the season the women strive for normalacy, as if shopping for fur coats and having a thug boyfirend isn’t. Renee Graziano was the break-through star, at one point she gave us an up close and personal showing of her just chemical-peeled face. Her role as the loud-mouth intimidator was supplemented by an outlandish wardrobe, complete with furs diamonds and bad Tahari draped tops.

These women love writing tell-all memoirs, taking sexy pictures for their husbands in jail (or baby fathers living half way houses), and selling E. They’re the epitome of ratchetness. The fight between cast members Drita Devanzo and Karen Gravano, daughter of Sammy the Bull, goes down as the best reality TV tussle of all time. The fight looked like one of those brutal beat-downs on youtube, or a bunch of girls scrapping in the school yard. Drita’s cheap shots and Karen’s line backer pushes kept me on the edge of my seat. It was refreshing to see a fight that didn’t looked egged on by producers.

Season 2 premieres on January 1, today. This is the best way to start off my new year!

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