People in the dog-eat-bitch world of political consulting love to talk about “optics.” What are the “optics” of doing a press release on the same day our opponent’s mom gets denied flood insurance? What are the “optics” of having a story about our candidate’s love handles on page 7 of the Tampa Tribune right next to a story about the lack of reasonably priced Italian restaurants in Tampa?

Optics, as they say, are everything. And by “they,” I mean the mouth-breathing children at Politico, who would sooner self-immolate than file a story on anything other than “what to watch out for” in tonight’s exit polls of elderly, Jewish, pressed Cuban sandwiches.

So imagine our surprise when Politico and the rest of the lamestream media failed to home in on the surprising optics behind Gabby Giffords’s triumphant return to the limelight—post-book, pre-resignation, and all cuddly wuddly Congress-victim.

The now-former Arizona Congresswoman and assassination-attempt survivor just doesn’t look like the cactus-eating, border patrolling Blue Dog Democrat she once was. In fact, she looks like a rather accessible lesbian—an accessbian.

Old Gabby

New Gabby

With her short cropped hair, slightly askew glance and sweet doe eyes, she feels like the nurturing, hyperliberal non-profit mom/friend of your aunt’s who’s ready to sit down with a nice bottle of NPR before she pets you with her thesis on cisgender performativity.

She’s just different now—and that’s a good thing.

Old Gabby would’ve driven to the office in a mid-sized American sedan, disguising her double shot Dunkaccino® inside a carefully selected tumbler bearing the logo of a local java joint as she careened down the streets of Phoenix. New Gabby drives to Taos with her womyn friends, sipping on tea from a Dukakis ’88 thermos.

The possibilities are endless. Just look how much Obama loves her:

Hugz we can believe in

Now, please enjoy this gallery of lesbians who look like Gabby Giffords. We salute you, Gabby.

–