Hay girl…

Pony selfie!

Pony selfie!

Forget the Met Gala. Or the fact that you weren’t invited to any after parties. You don’t need to fawn over fictitiously fabulous significant others to find true happiness. We bring you the first, truly FOMO-proof dating site — FarmersOnly!
Full disclosure: the writer of this article has an active account and therefore will guide you with first-hand experience.



At FarmersOnly, you’ll find a variety of non-diverse darlings to feast your agrarian eyes on, but only under the condition that you yourself are untouched by urban impurities. While FarmersOnly retains all the humble characteristics that sets it apart from snotty-city-snob-infested OkCupid, the one incontrovertible law that groups all dating sites under the same roof remains immutably in place: the Law of Default Profile Pictures for Most Males.

On the flip side, multitudes of milky “cowgirl” and “farmgirl” profiles are personalized with unique pictures:

confederate flag bikini

kissing llama

raccoon kiss

In short, FarmersOnly is a breath of fresh, rural air from corporate rat-race city slicker guys (apparently they’re also growing in Canada), and they have some of the best branding out there. But if you do decide to sign up, get ready to receive a cow-shit ton of junk mail. As I sift through all the spam, I’m still looking for my cowgirl…

giddy up @venirhere

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