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The Ides of YouTube

The line between Washington and Hollywood is getting blurrier by the upload.

With every Presidential candidate offering up slick campaign videos aimed at proving which contestant has the biggest flagpole, it seems the would-be White House occupiers are more interested in channeling Michael Bay than Ronald Reagan.

For your viewing pleasure, we’ve compiled some of the most edge-of-your-seat political ads on virool review youtube this season. Turn off the lights- if you dare…

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1.
Blank sheet of paper Tim Pawlenty, before he aborted his Presidential campaign, seemed to sum up everything the current GOP reality show wants us to believe about America’s role in the world with this book trailer— a rousingly edited tribute to American exceptionalism, space travel, military adventurism and anything else vaguely patriotic you might cram into a LIFE magazine retrospective about the 20th century:

T-Paw hits most of the bases designed to incite the manufacture of semen in the jingoistic American male ball sac, from the Hans Zimmer score to the shots of Earth from space (we own it- don’t forget).

But what he fails to provide is a compelling reason as to why his election would improve our economy.

At a moment when the world faces countless problems and even more ideas on how to fix them, the GOP’s most boring also-ran did little more than wave the flag. As it happens, it was a white one.


Scoreboard:
Berlin Wall (Y/N): Yes
Dub-step echo (1-10): 0
Patriotism index (1-10): 7
Greased up factory workers: 3

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2.
Like a juicy slab of bone-in rib eye that’s been soaked in Holy Water, Rick Perry has elevated the clichéd swagger of George Dubya to a farce of Texan proportions. As with most episodes of the The A-List Dallas, Rick Perry’s campaign is light on substance, but heavy on the eye candy and boots-related sound bytes:

With this ominous movie trailer, Perry is out to prove he not only has the biggest cactus on the ranch, but that his .22 is 11 inches of pure cowboy:

You’d be forgiven for mistaking this for a #trancewar entry. The sirens at the beginning only segue into a rising cacophony of dub step echos and a lot of talk about “President Zero,” who could be one of the coolest villains in techno history. If this is America’s future, ya’ll better strap on your rubberized fly-fishing pants— it’s about to get muddy.


Scoreboard:
Berlin Wall (Y/N): N
Dub-step echo (1-10): 8
Patriotism index (1-10): 9
Greased up factory workers: 6

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3.
Since Mitt Romney can’t exactly re-introduce his shifty persona to America with a glossy borderline-military recruitment commercial, he’s had to hew closer to the actual “issues” in this race.

With a creative interpretation of an Obama quote, Mitt channels indeterminate ethnicity in an ad that could’ve taken place in rival Perry’s backyard:

Possibly Latina moms laying down in a dusty road, ready to get run over…is this near the border? Is Barack Obama running over Mexicans now?

Clear messaging be damned. The former investment banker, who insists that the interests of The Board are simpatico with the needs of the proletariat, has had a hard time pretending to be a champion of the working class stiff. Maybe that’s why he keeps his sexy mug out of frame.


Scoreboard:
Berlin wall (Y/N): N
Dub-step echo (1-10): 3
Patriotism index (1-10): 2
Greased up factory workers: N/A

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4.
Sarah Palin might be the Paris Hilton in the modern era of Us Weekly politicians: she was the first on the scene to make the brand itself the selling point– a seriously blank canvas on which to project a dizzying array of Joan-of-the-Arctic imagery.

As if to drive this point all the way home to the igloo, she later became the first of the GOP’s current crop of all-stars to actually have her own reality show.

Given her experience in the genre, it’s no surprise that when she takes to YouTube, she puts the nookie in Nanook:

Go HAM, Caribou, antlers, hooves, snowmobile, bitch. go. off.

Sarah Palin is basically killing it here. Why? Because she “doesn’t need an office!” and she “doesn’t need a title!!!!!!”—she’s “AN AMERICAN!!!!!!!”

Palin doesn’t so much wave the flag as she does plant it on the back of a dogsled and ride it all the way down Space Mountain at Disney World: Anchorage while striking an Uncle Sam “I Want YOU!” pose when the roller coaster camera snaps her face just as the big drop arrives.

The fish eye camera angles, the bleating grizzlies, the hyper-cut shots of moms wearing American flag tablecloths—this is a call to arms that could make even Cindy Sheehan swoon. As Palin herself would say, it definitely separates the Cheechakos from the sourdoughs. Amateurs need not apply.


Scoreboard:
Berlin wall (Y/N): Y
Dub-step echo (1-10): 7
Patriotism index (1-10): 1 million
Greased up factory workers: 9

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5.
Karl Rove’s shadowy, ambiguously named Super PAC, Crossroads GPS, has got sexpot Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren in their crosshairs.

Seeking to appeal to the Massachusetts GOP base of rabidly conservative Whitey Bulger relatives, Crossroads comes down hard on #OccupyWallStreet:

There are few specters more menacing than a radical professor (!) in a soft, Eileen Fisher cardigan that hangs to mid-thigh, terrorizing middle-aged women with her intellectual warfare.

Foundation for what? Drugs. Most likely gay, Asian sex, too.

Ironically, with its use in this video and on countless New York Post covers, #OWS has quickly become a gear in the very establishment it should seek to upend—a narrative pawn in the Establishment Right’s war on the Establishment Left.

A sign of legitimacy or a muddled message? Don’t spend too much time mulling that one over—no one else will.


Scoreboard:
Berlin wall (Y/N): N ☹
Dub-step echo (1-10): 1
Patriotism index (1-10):: 2
Greased up factory workers: 0

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6.
Not to be outdone in the shadowy, ambiguously patriotically-named-organization game, Obama’s own Super PAC, Priorities USA, has its sights set on the faceless corporation known as Romney, Inc.:

Let’s be clear—it’s all true. But Romney’s allegiance to the idea of corporate personhood would be more frightening if it set him apart, at all, from the Hawaiian whose job he wants.

Unlike Romney, Obama never worked on Wall Street. But he works for them now.

And while he’s used his considerable platform to rail against Super PAC’s and the unmitigated flow of corporate $$$ into elections—he now has one of his own.

It seems that Super PAC’s only present the single gravest threat to our democracy when they align themselves with Republicans.

Otherwise, it’s time to strap on the hula skirt, get out your coconuts and Barack the vote. Aloha, First Amendment.


Scoreboard:
Berlin wall (Y/N): N
Dub-step echo (1-10): 5
Patriotism index: N/A (video supports Kenyan national)
Greased up factory workers: Not nearly enough

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