Ask Natasha… She Practically Lived Through Everything

Q: Is there such a thing as “nice” flip-flops? I’ve seen people wearing them to restaurants and it seems just one step removed from the double-wide? Vicente

A:The closer you are to the ground, the faster the earth rotates. The tale of the princess Rapunzel was originally intended to be an allegory for enlightenment. Instead of reaching higher, she had to grow her hair long enough to gain access to the bottom of her tower. The way towards truth for you is not in layers of meanings or labyrinths of understanding. Think about Jorge Luis Borges. Think about Labyrinths. You want out of there, and away from these outdated genres. You want to be flat-footed and sure of the earth.

I was once told that Magical Realism is a narrative in which everything is normal except for one thing. Poet Jane Miller says, “Everyone knows that Grandma is dead. The characters know, the reader knows, the author knows. Grandma is dead and she has been for a while. Then, Grandma comes to dinner and eats a whole meal with the family. Later, she’s back to being dead. That’s Magical Realism.”

I would like to call your fashion conundrum Real Magicalism, in which nothing is normal except for the flip-flops, which rhythmically keep time for you like metronomes slapping your heels. Let’s get really real. Start with platform flippies (you should DIY with many pairs glued together), and then, every few days, ease your way down by peeling away layers to reveal something you thought you’d never see: Honesty in narrative.

Q: My boyfriend comes to the city every weekend to see me, and we have intense, great, complicated sex right away. The next day, he wants to be the same, but I get sore, and he gets sad when I tell him no. Am I not giving enough, or is he asking too much? Selena, 27

A: You are asking a question about lifestyles in 2011. Your boyfriend knows and responds to the quick-edited, high-drama, highly-saturated romance of reality television, while you choose to watch The X Files before the sex act. Neither one of you is wrong, but you are living on the different planes created by the recession, computer advances, and “real reality” breakdowns.

Recover from the rift by getting a split personality. One half of you is Angela Chase and the other Yara Sofia. Think of Two Face, the Batman villain, and divide yourself in the same way: Good and evil, Jekyll and Hyde, hyper and calm, yin and yang. Live in the now and in the normal. Soon all of our brains will have to function on multiple planes, and you will be ahead of us by beginning the process of separation and practical development today.

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