Would You Rather?
1. Would you rather have the phrase ‘I’m lovin it’ tattooed above your butt, tramp stamp style… or have a trompe l’oeil havaianas flip flop strap tattooed on just one of your feet?
2. Would you rather walk in circles in front of 4 Times Square, home of Condé Nast publishing, in 7ft high stilts chanting “I AM AMERICAS NEXT TOP MODEL” for 2 hours… or skate up the entire West Side Highway in August in rollerblades wearing a low cut pirate shirt with black velvet flared dance pants with an appliqued patch of a penis going towards the butthole on the back?
2. Would you rather be a member of an elite ‘it’ group of downtown djs who all dress exactly alike and go under the name Debra Debrah Deborah… or be CEO and creative director for a diffusion line of comfort fit jeans for middle aged women called ‘Its Not That Serious’?
3. Would you rather go to work in white linen pants with a leather thong cockring set up that’s visible beneath the pants and the linen is so see-through that your coworkers can see your 90s ball prince albert and a left butt cheek tattoo of Fido Dido and no one tells you all day… or go on a date with a noticeable spot of dried semen in your eyebrow and your nose starts bleeding and as you bend over to get a napkin a small bag of crack falls out of your leather miss sixty jacket that you know is for women but you wore anyway because you think no one can tell it’s womens, but in reality everyone knows?
4. Would you rather have a feathered out Farrah hairdo that looks like a tulip on top of your hair with bangs… or the reverse where it curves in like a mushroom?
5. Would you rather be a successful contemporary gay stereotype that falls from grace after being caught engaging in safe play at a truck stop… or be a mediocre yoga instructor with a great ass?
6. Would you rather be a representative of the planet funk for 3 weeks in NYC, which requires you to go up to strangers and say the following: ‘hello I’m javvaaaad, and I come here in search of hot beats, groves and generalized vibes’ and you have to tell coworkers and friends to refer to you as javvaaaad martyr of funk… or would you rather wear LeVar Burtons hair clip eye visor in Star Trek the next generation for 2 months but just go about your day regularly and when asked about the odd eyewear you can only respond: idiot?
7. Would you rather arrive at someones home you were going to hook up with that had a room full of Ken doll… or a room full of Ziggy, Cathy, and Garfield paraphernalia.
8. Would you rather go home with a one night stand that’s seemingly amazing only to discover he has a bullseye tattoo surrounding his anus with the words ‘right on target’ in old english font beside it… or go home with a one-nighter to their basement apt in Bedstuy to discover they have a diaper fetish and want you to treat them like a baby and ‘wipe them’ and spoon feed them.
9. Would you rather be perpetually ‘over it’… or indefinitely ‘after it’?
10. Would you rather be required to attend and live in ‘Slimminns’, Richard Simmons’ camp for weight loss for 90 days… or be fired from your high profile fashion assistant job and have to work at Le Chateau on the DL for a month and be anxious every day you work there that you might bump into an ex coworker from aformentioned high profile job.
11. Would you rather fart a bombastically loud fart that vibrated the dinner table on a first date with someone you thought was cute… or have someone sneeze while sitting on your peen and thereby releasing a small fart with leaked diarrhea on your wang.
12. Would you rather wear vintage Tamagotchis (gigapets) from the late 90s as earrings… or wear bangles made out of bent forks, butter knives, and spoons engraved with the phrase ‘like butta’ in a girly script (the bangles would cover at least 6 inches of both wrists)?