>>be me – a collection of greentexts
Keywords: 4chan, aapo nikkanen, amazon, anonymous, book, excerpts, greentext
>>by aapo nikkanen:
>>aapo nikkanen: be me – a collection of greentexts
4chan is often perceived as the cesspool of the internet: the misogynist, homophobic, hateful and racist online community known to the masses from the negative and sensational headlines.
Its popularity is based on anonymity and the lack of censorship, which largely contributes to the negative aspects of the site. However, we should not forget that 4chan is a community of millions of users and 63 different boards. At the same moment when a broye white hetero net nerd is using anonymity in /b/ to call others faggots, a confused, lost and bullied lgbt-teen can find support from the /lgbt/ board.
Even if statistically 4chan’s most prominent user is the young white male, it would be wrong to represent 4chan through him, as it would be wrong to portray the site through a middle-aged female anime fan. In the end 4chan only has one user: Anonymous, a collective hive mind everything contributes to, and contributes from. Although easily buried under the uninviting content of /b/, 4chan actually does foster creativity, and does it ego-free. Collective anonymity is the opposite of trying to get Instafamous, and while looking at meme of Pepe (no matter how rare) can feel that it doesn’t provide much value, there is something to be said about creativity that doesn’t aim to benefit one single user. It is more raw and more real, more dynamic and more original, and it can only be brought about by collectively destroying ones status and joining into a global persona.
Unfortunately for the outside observer, a big part of Anonymous is that awkward, outsider adolescent geek that wants to troll and see tits, but for Anonymous, there is only Anonymous.
The ‘greentexts’ presented in the book are short stories posted in 4chan during 2010-2015. They are written in an internet evolved language that can be characterised as abrupt, statement-like internet slang and get their name from the use of 4chan’s quote-function that colors the text green. Conceptually ‘be me’ can be seen as the first book dealing with an actual Internet-borne literary genre.
The protagonist in the stories is most often a young male and due to its anonymous online source gives an exceptional insight to a young mans psyche. The stories describe absurd, once in a lifetime moments that we can all relate to, but for the most part hope will never have to actually face.
>>
Anonymous 03/24/13(Sun)19:45:21 No.6215899
>eating sandwich at the beach
>skipping stones
>watching the sunset and thinking about life
>throw sandwich into ocean
>bite rock
>skipping stones
>watching the sunset and thinking about life
>throw sandwich into ocean
>bite rock
People saw.
>>
Anonymous 03/09/12(Tue)03:12:55 No.28362064
>be me
>23 days ago
>driving drunk as fuck, run a red light, ram into a fucking cop car at 20 mph
>cars are not too damaged
>drunk mind is scared as shit
>unable think of a reason, stab myself with my pocket knife before the cop comes over
>hide the knife in the glove box
>say “I have been stabbed officer”
>cop gives me a ride to the nearest hospital
>23 days ago
>driving drunk as fuck, run a red light, ram into a fucking cop car at 20 mph
>cars are not too damaged
>drunk mind is scared as shit
>unable think of a reason, stab myself with my pocket knife before the cop comes over
>hide the knife in the glove box
>say “I have been stabbed officer”
>cop gives me a ride to the nearest hospital
Mfw crisis avoided.
>>
Anonymous 02/24/14(Thu)09:43:23 No.26265896
>at the gym, doing my routine
>7/10 qt is on the low row, the first machine on my list
>no big, I’ll do the next one
>bitch is still on the low row
>no big I’ll do the next one
>bitch is still physically sitting on the machine, but texting
>no big, I’ll do the next one
>go through the entire fucking workout
>bitch is still on the fucking low row, it’s been over a half an hour. Hasn’t spent more than 5
minutes actually using it
>I sit on the machine next to her and fuck around, waiting for her to get off hers
>notice a weird rash on her upper arm
>I’m a huge House junkie so fuck it, bitch needs to get off the low row
>”Hey, I’m no doctor, but my cousin had a rash just like that and it turned out to be MRSA.
He didn’t make it. I’m probably wrong, but if I were you I’d get to a hospital right away just
to be sure.”
>she gets wide-eyed, stammers out something, gets her shit, and leaves
>I finish my workout and go home
TWO WEEKS LATER
>at the gym, on the treadmill
>bitch is there
>she sees me and approaches
>”Hey, I don’t know if you remember me, I had a rash you told me to get checked out a
while back?”
>ohshit.jpg
>act natural
>”…Oh yeah! How’d that go?”
>”You were right! I spent few days in the hospital, but the doctor said if you hadn’t caught
it, it would’ve gotten way worse.”
>how the fuck…
>”Uh…wow! Glad to hear it.”
>awkward pause
>”So I feel like I should buy you a dinner or something, y’know, to say thanks.”
>”Um, okay. Sounds great.”
>we exchange numbers
>go out that weekend
>we really hit it off
>takes me back to her place
>fucks my brains out
>we spend the entire next day together, too
>things keep going from there
>7/10 qt is on the low row, the first machine on my list
>no big, I’ll do the next one
>bitch is still on the low row
>no big I’ll do the next one
>bitch is still physically sitting on the machine, but texting
>no big, I’ll do the next one
>go through the entire fucking workout
>bitch is still on the fucking low row, it’s been over a half an hour. Hasn’t spent more than 5
minutes actually using it
>I sit on the machine next to her and fuck around, waiting for her to get off hers
>notice a weird rash on her upper arm
>I’m a huge House junkie so fuck it, bitch needs to get off the low row
>”Hey, I’m no doctor, but my cousin had a rash just like that and it turned out to be MRSA.
He didn’t make it. I’m probably wrong, but if I were you I’d get to a hospital right away just
to be sure.”
>she gets wide-eyed, stammers out something, gets her shit, and leaves
>I finish my workout and go home
TWO WEEKS LATER
>at the gym, on the treadmill
>bitch is there
>she sees me and approaches
>”Hey, I don’t know if you remember me, I had a rash you told me to get checked out a
while back?”
>ohshit.jpg
>act natural
>”…Oh yeah! How’d that go?”
>”You were right! I spent few days in the hospital, but the doctor said if you hadn’t caught
it, it would’ve gotten way worse.”
>how the fuck…
>”Uh…wow! Glad to hear it.”
>awkward pause
>”So I feel like I should buy you a dinner or something, y’know, to say thanks.”
>”Um, okay. Sounds great.”
>we exchange numbers
>go out that weekend
>we really hit it off
>takes me back to her place
>fucks my brains out
>we spend the entire next day together, too
>things keep going from there
And that’s how I met my girlfriend.
>>
Anonymous 06/03/14(Tue)18:02:51 No.26920121
>>26917873
>when she asks if you want the receipt, say only if her number is on it or something else cheesy
Oh shit, this reminded me of a time when I crossed the autism threshold. Storytime.
>usually buy my weekly groceries at the same store
>there’s this maybe 7-8/10, not perfect but cute cashier
>she’s always smiling at me and making small talk and shit
>finally realize that she’s not just being nice
>she’s mirin hard
>gather all my courage and go to the store again
>buy my usual stuff and pick her line
>she offers me the receipt
>”How about you write your number on it?”
>she blushes bright red, writes down her number
>I smile and say I’ll call her
>I’m so euphoric I’m not thinking right
>I don’t usually hold on to receipts
>I glance at the receipt, crumple it and toss it in the trash bin by the door in full view from her
>panic and just walk out
>too embarrassed to ever go to that store again
Oh shit, this reminded me of a time when I crossed the autism threshold. Storytime.
>usually buy my weekly groceries at the same store
>there’s this maybe 7-8/10, not perfect but cute cashier
>she’s always smiling at me and making small talk and shit
>finally realize that she’s not just being nice
>she’s mirin hard
>gather all my courage and go to the store again
>buy my usual stuff and pick her line
>she offers me the receipt
>”How about you write your number on it?”
>she blushes bright red, writes down her number
>I smile and say I’ll call her
>I’m so euphoric I’m not thinking right
>I don’t usually hold on to receipts
>I glance at the receipt, crumple it and toss it in the trash bin by the door in full view from her
>panic and just walk out
>too embarrassed to ever go to that store again
>>
Anonymous 09/20/12(Thu)19:30:01 No.25940361
You nerds don’t know the meaning of embarrassment. Let me enlighten you.
>be in the third grade at a school assembly
>have to shit real bad, feeling ill and feverish
>we all get seated on the gym floor
>holy fuck Hugo the Hornet is here! (Charlotte Hornets’ NBA team mascot back when they
were the Charlotte Hornets)
>still have to shit so bad that I’m having cold sweats
>wearing gym shorts, no underwear (I had a phase in elementary school where I just didn’t
wear any, felt good man)
>Hugo the Hornet starts picking up kids and flipping them over in his hands and setting
them back down
>starting to feel dizzy from holding my shit
>see him walking my way
>he’s coming RIGHT FOR ME
>he picks me up and begins to flip me over
>he’s squeezing my gut
>as I’m upside down, diarrhea begins to fly out of my ass and out the leg of my shorts,
arcing through air gracefully
>start screaming
>gets all over Hugo and sprays all over other kids sitting in front of me, hear it plop on the
gym floor as well
>Hugo then drops me on my fucking head, into a pile of my own shit, hear him loudly say
“WHAT THE FUCK”
>Hugo takes off his head and reveals himself as a black man. He pukes on the floor.
>the music has stopped, the room is dead silent
>assume the fetal position
>covered in my own shit and can’t stop farting/shitting as I lay there
>start crying
>pass out
>wake up with someone carrying me out of the gym, holding me at distance
>the tiny breathable holes in my gym shorts work like a shit colander, leaking shit water
everywhere, leaving the hard bits in my shorts
>pass out again
>have to shit real bad, feeling ill and feverish
>we all get seated on the gym floor
>holy fuck Hugo the Hornet is here! (Charlotte Hornets’ NBA team mascot back when they
were the Charlotte Hornets)
>still have to shit so bad that I’m having cold sweats
>wearing gym shorts, no underwear (I had a phase in elementary school where I just didn’t
wear any, felt good man)
>Hugo the Hornet starts picking up kids and flipping them over in his hands and setting
them back down
>starting to feel dizzy from holding my shit
>see him walking my way
>he’s coming RIGHT FOR ME
>he picks me up and begins to flip me over
>he’s squeezing my gut
>as I’m upside down, diarrhea begins to fly out of my ass and out the leg of my shorts,
arcing through air gracefully
>start screaming
>gets all over Hugo and sprays all over other kids sitting in front of me, hear it plop on the
gym floor as well
>Hugo then drops me on my fucking head, into a pile of my own shit, hear him loudly say
“WHAT THE FUCK”
>Hugo takes off his head and reveals himself as a black man. He pukes on the floor.
>the music has stopped, the room is dead silent
>assume the fetal position
>covered in my own shit and can’t stop farting/shitting as I lay there
>start crying
>pass out
>wake up with someone carrying me out of the gym, holding me at distance
>the tiny breathable holes in my gym shorts work like a shit colander, leaking shit water
everywhere, leaving the hard bits in my shorts
>pass out again
From then on I was “The kid who shit on Hugo the Hornet”.
>>
Anonymous 06/20/11(Mon)21:05:44 No.335695449
>be 15
>in a bible camp
>girl in a wheelchair, who is actually fucking hot as fuck, is sitting in her chair next to the
sports field
>I go up to her and ask if she’s ok
>she say yeah, but obviously she’s a bit bored not being able to play
>I get a tennis ball and we throw it back and forth
>later on she texts me from her lodgings (girls and boys are in separate areas) asking if I
wanna meet at sunset
>meet the chick, she’s folded her chair and is sitting on a blanket so she doesn’t seem
broken
>2 hours later we’re kissing, I tear her clothes off, undress, and fuck her
>it’s really hard to control her legs while I’m on my knees thrusting, as they are flopping
about in my one free hand
>see camp leaders coming close, I say “Fuck, run” and run away
>mfw I later realize she was disabled and she was lying there naked when the bible
leaders came around
>in a bible camp
>girl in a wheelchair, who is actually fucking hot as fuck, is sitting in her chair next to the
sports field
>I go up to her and ask if she’s ok
>she say yeah, but obviously she’s a bit bored not being able to play
>I get a tennis ball and we throw it back and forth
>later on she texts me from her lodgings (girls and boys are in separate areas) asking if I
wanna meet at sunset
>meet the chick, she’s folded her chair and is sitting on a blanket so she doesn’t seem
broken
>2 hours later we’re kissing, I tear her clothes off, undress, and fuck her
>it’s really hard to control her legs while I’m on my knees thrusting, as they are flopping
about in my one free hand
>see camp leaders coming close, I say “Fuck, run” and run away
>mfw I later realize she was disabled and she was lying there naked when the bible
leaders came around
>>
Anonymous 07/20/14(Sun)00:27:43 No.557553041
>walk by the den one day
>computer is within view of the door
>dad is on the computer, doesn’t hear me walk by
>viewing some creepshots of milfy news anchors thighs on google images
>can see he has 3 other pages pushed to the side from other porn sites. He’s viewing
them all at once in a frenzy
>chuckle, and walk away
>week later I come in late at night, stoned like a cheating muslim woman
>dad is standing in the kitchen with a baggie from my stash
>”Anon, just what the hell is this?”
>”…well, I can tell you what it’s not…a google search of your favourite news anchors
thighs.”
>dead silence hangs in the air, he gives me a nod and leaves the room
>never speak about either incident again
>computer is within view of the door
>dad is on the computer, doesn’t hear me walk by
>viewing some creepshots of milfy news anchors thighs on google images
>can see he has 3 other pages pushed to the side from other porn sites. He’s viewing
them all at once in a frenzy
>chuckle, and walk away
>week later I come in late at night, stoned like a cheating muslim woman
>dad is standing in the kitchen with a baggie from my stash
>”Anon, just what the hell is this?”
>”…well, I can tell you what it’s not…a google search of your favourite news anchors
thighs.”
>dead silence hangs in the air, he gives me a nod and leaves the room
>never speak about either incident again
Probably the closest father son moment we’ve ever had.
>>
Anonymous 07/08/12(Sun)20:01:25 No.410969229
>be a single father
>find a sploof under my 15 year old son’s bed
>not surprised that he’s smoking weed
>see him and his friend come home once with clearly bloodshot eyes
>remember reading here once about how a parent intentionally caught his son smoking
weed, pretended to freak out and then smoked it right in front of him
>think this would be a laugh and decide to replicate it
>I go out every Saturday night and his friend is always there before I leave so I assume
that’s when they smoke weed
>tell them I’m leaving, drive off, park the car one block away and then walk back to the
house
>slowly enter through the back door and move my way towards his room quiet as a mouse
>approaching his door I can smell the weed and get ready to go in
>pull open the door really fast and I see my son sucking his friends dick
>close door immediately and go lay on my bed for the rest of the night traumatized
>still haven’t talked to him since then
>mfw
>find a sploof under my 15 year old son’s bed
>not surprised that he’s smoking weed
>see him and his friend come home once with clearly bloodshot eyes
>remember reading here once about how a parent intentionally caught his son smoking
weed, pretended to freak out and then smoked it right in front of him
>think this would be a laugh and decide to replicate it
>I go out every Saturday night and his friend is always there before I leave so I assume
that’s when they smoke weed
>tell them I’m leaving, drive off, park the car one block away and then walk back to the
house
>slowly enter through the back door and move my way towards his room quiet as a mouse
>approaching his door I can smell the weed and get ready to go in
>pull open the door really fast and I see my son sucking his friends dick
>close door immediately and go lay on my bed for the rest of the night traumatized
>still haven’t talked to him since then
>mfw
>>
Anonymous 09/09/12(Sun)14:51:13 No.14602921
>Friday, about 6 PM
>in room, browsing 4chan and playing Minecraft
>dad comes in
>”Hey buddy, have any plans for the weekend?”
>”Not really, no.”
>”Why don’t you go out with some friends? It’s a nice night.”
>conversation continues for another five minutes
>dad asks about girls and my “friends”
>I try to dodge around admitting I have no friends and have no experience with girls
>but he knows
>”Ok buddy, just let me know if you ever want a ride somewhere, or you can borrow my car
any time you want.”
>pats me on the shoulder and leaves
>I get back to Minecraft
>after a few minutes, feel thirsty
>no drinks in my room
>venture out of my room and go to the kitchen
>hear my father in living room, crying
>look around the corner
>he’s looking through photo albums at pictures of me
>”Hey dad.”
>he looks up, trying to hide that he was crying
>”I’m going out with some friends, can I still borrow the car?”
>he smiles the happiest smile I have seen in years
>”Sure thing buddy”
>he gets up and hugs me, tears in his eyes
>I get dressed, get in the car and leave
>I drive to an empty parking lot in an industrial area
>I go to sleep in the back seat
>return home the next morning
>pretend I was out with friends all night
>dad hugs me again
>in room, browsing 4chan and playing Minecraft
>dad comes in
>”Hey buddy, have any plans for the weekend?”
>”Not really, no.”
>”Why don’t you go out with some friends? It’s a nice night.”
>conversation continues for another five minutes
>dad asks about girls and my “friends”
>I try to dodge around admitting I have no friends and have no experience with girls
>but he knows
>”Ok buddy, just let me know if you ever want a ride somewhere, or you can borrow my car
any time you want.”
>pats me on the shoulder and leaves
>I get back to Minecraft
>after a few minutes, feel thirsty
>no drinks in my room
>venture out of my room and go to the kitchen
>hear my father in living room, crying
>look around the corner
>he’s looking through photo albums at pictures of me
>”Hey dad.”
>he looks up, trying to hide that he was crying
>”I’m going out with some friends, can I still borrow the car?”
>he smiles the happiest smile I have seen in years
>”Sure thing buddy”
>he gets up and hugs me, tears in his eyes
>I get dressed, get in the car and leave
>I drive to an empty parking lot in an industrial area
>I go to sleep in the back seat
>return home the next morning
>pretend I was out with friends all night
>dad hugs me again
I’ve been doing this almost every weekend for months now.
>>
Anonymous 06/14/13(Fri)15:57:55 No.487006667
>be 22
>dumped by 9/10
>little to no contact now
>9/10 used to bring her siberian husky pup, Roscoe, to my house daily
>3 months later
>lightbulb.png
>devise a plan to kidnap Roscoe while she is at work
>kidnap roscoe
>hugs and kisses. He’s missed me
>see on Facebook she posted her dog as a runaway
>don’t comment
>going according to my plan
>hangout with Roscoe for a few days
>call 9/10 “Roscoe just showed up at my house!”
>she shows up in tears and thanks me
>”You’re welcome. It was really good to see Roscoe…a-a-and you.”
>smiles, hugs me and leaves
>fuck, I have to try again
>wait another week
>kidnap Roscoe again
>once more, call her with the good news
>she show’s up while Roscoe and I are playing in the yard
>”Wow he must really miss you I guess, Anon.”
>”Heh, yeah, I have missed him too…”
>”He’s not the only one who’s missed you…”
>kiss the bitch and ask her to stay
>MFW I got my girlfriend back by kidnapping her dog
>dumped by 9/10
>little to no contact now
>9/10 used to bring her siberian husky pup, Roscoe, to my house daily
>3 months later
>lightbulb.png
>devise a plan to kidnap Roscoe while she is at work
>kidnap roscoe
>hugs and kisses. He’s missed me
>see on Facebook she posted her dog as a runaway
>don’t comment
>going according to my plan
>hangout with Roscoe for a few days
>call 9/10 “Roscoe just showed up at my house!”
>she shows up in tears and thanks me
>”You’re welcome. It was really good to see Roscoe…a-a-and you.”
>smiles, hugs me and leaves
>fuck, I have to try again
>wait another week
>kidnap Roscoe again
>once more, call her with the good news
>she show’s up while Roscoe and I are playing in the yard
>”Wow he must really miss you I guess, Anon.”
>”Heh, yeah, I have missed him too…”
>”He’s not the only one who’s missed you…”
>kiss the bitch and ask her to stay
>MFW I got my girlfriend back by kidnapping her dog
>>
Anonymous 02/27/11(Sun)01:34 No.14058910
>walking home from a party late one evening
>several guys were following me, as my drunk ass managed to piss them off by existing
>try to walk faster, to no avail, as I’m drunk as shit
>catch me in some random student neighbourhood
>oh shit, my ass is about to be beaten
>still in talking phase
>lights flick on in a house
>three guys in full musketeer garb walk out
>leader is some blond guy with a beard, eyepatch, and some weird-ass accent
>”What sort of ruffians would be accosting someone outside our residence? Stand and
deliver!”
>guys start yelling at them to fuck off, that I deserved to get my ass beaten
>”Very well, then. Draw steel, you blackguard!”
>all three of them draw rapiers on their belts
>guys run
>”I know not why those foul men sought your harm, but come and tell us the tale, stranger!”
>spend remainder of evening drinking mulled wine with lunatics
>bunch of Swedish re-enactors live there
>blond guy is actually missing an eye; lost it in a machine shop accident
>stagger home completely drunk with a hat
>several guys were following me, as my drunk ass managed to piss them off by existing
>try to walk faster, to no avail, as I’m drunk as shit
>catch me in some random student neighbourhood
>oh shit, my ass is about to be beaten
>still in talking phase
>lights flick on in a house
>three guys in full musketeer garb walk out
>leader is some blond guy with a beard, eyepatch, and some weird-ass accent
>”What sort of ruffians would be accosting someone outside our residence? Stand and
deliver!”
>guys start yelling at them to fuck off, that I deserved to get my ass beaten
>”Very well, then. Draw steel, you blackguard!”
>all three of them draw rapiers on their belts
>guys run
>”I know not why those foul men sought your harm, but come and tell us the tale, stranger!”
>spend remainder of evening drinking mulled wine with lunatics
>bunch of Swedish re-enactors live there
>blond guy is actually missing an eye; lost it in a machine shop accident
>stagger home completely drunk with a hat
I had no idea people like that existed. Or had the money to rent a house.
>>
Anonymous 04/23/14(Wed)02:24:34 No.543522159
>be 3 years old
>standing in the living room next to leather sofa
>for no apparent reason think to myself “I will remember this moment”
>still do
>standing in the living room next to leather sofa
>for no apparent reason think to myself “I will remember this moment”
>still do
