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The birth of baby West-Kardashian has rumors swirling around like pastel leaves in a Pocahontas wind fantasy. One thing’s for sure, though: the couple received some totally rad congratulatory swag. Below is an extremely real list of the very best corporate gifts
Mother Kardashian and Father West received to kick-off the controversial and overly documented childhood young North West is sure to have.
Giver: Gwyneth Paltrow
housewarming gifts for men: Tiffany & Co. Vegan Glitter Wand with Retractable Tempurpedic Tofu Mattress. This Leed-certified glitter wand soothes your baby’s hands after a long day of chopping fennel with just a wave of its magic. Now featuring a retractable and fully edible mattress for post-cooking siestas.
Message on Greeting Card: “Watch the crib!” Because God, she’s square. She really would write that.
Giver: Ricardo Tisci
Gift: Gold-plated gold plate. This gold plate is made of 24 karat gold and plated with 24 karat gold.
Message: “Givenchy fitting like gym clothes.”
Giver: Jay-Z and Beyonce
Gift: Selena Gomez, c/o Karla Otto Public Relations.
Message: Just the jingle of a really chic chain.
Giver: Gucci Mane
Gift: Bugaboo Cameleon 3 All-Black Special Edition
Message: “Best in class.”
Giver: Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian
Gift: Mischa Barton emcees the party of a lifetime in the Frank Gehry-designed Hustler in Bay Ridge, which features a machine that makes every attendee’s hands inexplicably wet at all times. Dancing on the bar are three bears wearing nothing but limited edition coconut bras designed by Rochas in collaboration with a Japanese emperor who died 540 years ago. Daft Punk performs John Cage’s 4’33’’ on repeat.
Gift: Brooklyn Artisanal Vaseline. Made with ground Brooklyn shale, Brooklyn Artisanal Vaseline satisfies your skin through denial.
Message: “For rashes that last so long they feel like Brooklyn.”
Giver: Former Katie Holmes innamorato Chris Klein
Message: “Because fashion is just for a moment, but dogs are for a few years.”
Giver: Disembodied figure in a robe who represents the Illuminati at major celebrity births
Gift: Radio Shack See-Through Phone with Neon Wires. A Radio Shack best seller from 1979-1983,
Message: A long howl that aches with ennui.
Giver: NSA Whistleblower Edward Snowden
Gift: Whistle with his likeness, because there’s no way he’s letting this happen without getting a buck or at least a juice line out of this; PRISM dossier on the child.
Message: “As you’ll see, this file includes his or her name, which you have not yet chosen.”
Giver: Inspired by the travails of Amanda Bynes, Rick Moranis has turned over a new vegan alcoholic leaf, replete with unhinged Twitter presence.
Gift: Vegan swimsuit
Message: “Please I’m a comedic actor I am not a comedian I was doing stand-up at 12 you know nothing about me.”